


We Both Know It

by Hatterized



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Canon Divergence is putting it lightly, Crack, Literal Dick-Measuring Contests, M/M, Masturbation, Voyeurism, just a whole lot of dick talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-11
Updated: 2018-04-11
Packaged: 2019-04-21 16:53:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14289246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hatterized/pseuds/Hatterized
Summary: Rick and Negan come up with a nonviolent solution to end the war between them once and for all.





	We Both Know It

**Author's Note:**

> This is essentially just a shitpost that got out of hand. Based on Negan's "my dick is bigger than your dick" spiel from 8.01.

There were a lot of things in life that Rick Grimes could never have predicted. Getting shot on duty and falling into a coma. The dead rising to devour people and bring about the near-end of the world. Actually managing to get laid, which during his high school years seemed like a remote fantasy on par with winning the lottery.

And now this.

“I _care_ about my people,” Negan proclaimed from atop his concrete castle.

First of all, Rick _knew_ that was a lie. Carl and Dwight had told him more than enough.

“I don’t want to just march them into the line of fire because I want to play _my dick is bigger than yours._ It is. We _both_ know it.”

How the hell would Rick know that? He’d never seen the man’s dick, he was damn sure of that. His mortal enemy whipping out his supposedly-massive dong in front of God and everyone was something he felt like he’d remember.

“I don’t know shit about your dick!” Rick shouted back, because hey, if Negan was going to act like a middle-schooler, Rick would join him right down there in the schoolyard dirt.

“Well, it’s definitely bigger than yours!” Negan hollered back. He was going a bit purple in the face from the shouting. “I call you Rick the Prick, but it should be Rick the _Little_ Prick!”

Well, that was just rude.

“Whatever makes you feel better, No-Nut-Negan!” Good lord, was this what his life had come to? He caught Ezekiel shooting him a questioning look, and Rick shrugged, mouthing, _whatever keeps him talking, right?_

“I’ll have you fucking know that I’ve got the biggest goddamned nuts you’ve ever seen, Little Richard! So enormous that it’s like I’ve got four legs!”

“My name’s not Richard!” Rick protested. “It’s just Rick! My parents didn’t like the full name Richard-”

“I’m not here for your fuckin’ backstory! I’m here to let you know that my dick is a big, swinging dick that shoots pearly snot-globs of come all across the land. I could take your eye out with it!”

Rick was suddenly even more glad that Carl hadn’t come. This was hardly child-appropriate. The killing probably wouldn’t have been great for him to witness, either, but it was a little late for that. He also wasn’t sure how Carl would react to jokes about losing an eye. Was it still too soon?

“I don’t believe you!” Rick jeered. “And I’m pretty sure we’re here for a war, not for a goddamned dick measuring contest!”

Negan was silent for a long moment, seeming to ponder that, and then, like a vulgar proclamation from an overcompensating king, he called down to Rick. “I’ve got an offer for you then, Ricky-Tiny-Dicky-Grimes! There’s a trailer right over there.” He pointed, with Lucille, of course, nearly in limbo stance for how far back he was leaning to gesture at the white trailer just a handful of yards away. “Let’s say you and I meet up in there, we each bring our most impartial representatives, and we’ll settle this dickbate once and for all. And with it, we’ll end this war!”

Rick blinked once. Twice. Three times, and then he lost count and Jesus was prodding him in the shoulder and asking, “hey, are you having some kind of seizure?” and he had to knock it off.

“You’re tellin’ me,” Rick said slowly, “that we’re gonna go in that trailer, _measure our dicks_ , and whoever’s is the biggest…?”

“Wins the war!” Negan finished gleefully, rubbing his hands together like a cartoon villain getting ready to drop an anvil or light a stick of dynamite. “Unless you’re too scared to have everyone know about your itty-bitty wang!”

Rick glanced down at the front of his jeans. He didn’t think his dick was half bad…but to wager everyone’s lives on it?

He felt a heavy hand clasped on his shoulder- Ezekiel again, his wise, majestic persona radiating with confidence. “Go forth, Rick Grimes of Alexandria. Show this man your prodigious penis.”

_Eh_ , Rick figured. _If Negan’s does end up being bigger, we’ll just attack him like we planned._

“Meet me in the trailer,” Rick shouted up to Negan, the apocalypse’s worst- or perhaps the best?- Romeo.

There was some shuffling and murmuring among the Saviors and the Rebels while Rick and Negan chose their advocates. Within five minutes of the challenge’s issuing, Rick and Negan had gathered together in the empty trailer. Negan had chosen a man named Gavin, whom Rick only knew from what Ezekiel had relayed to him. Gavin was a soldier to Negan, but only just- he was living day to day, not reveling in the Savior’s lifestyle. Now, standing with his arms like limp spaghetti noodles at his sides and a perpetual put-upon frown on his face, he looked less than thrilled to be the one wielding the ruler.

Rick hadn’t chosen his advocate so much as received a surprising volunteer in Jesus himself.

“Don’t worry, Rick,” The long-haired man said with a curious twinkle in his blue eyes, “you’ve got Jesus on your side.”

Rick wasn’t particularly sure if the good lord would approve of this. But…maybe he’d prefer this over mass slaughter? Rick certainly hadn’t studied the Bible enough to know which sin would weigh more heavily against him. He made a mental note to ask Gabriel when he got back to Alexandria.

“So, Rick.” Negan was bouncing on his heels, utterly gleeful. “Unzip, sweet cheeks! Let’s see little Ricky!”

There was a long, deeply uncomfortable hush that fell over the tiny trailer while Rick and Negan slowly unzipped and pulled themselves out.

Rick had just assumed that the whole experience would be like when a drunk guy would linger-stare at his junk while taking a piss next to him at a urinal. That just happened sometimes, and he’d laugh awkwardly about it with his buddies and move on.

The reality was him and Negan standing there with soft pink dicks sticking out of their jeans, all eyes on their junk like they were a pair of priceless rubies and not a couple of flaccid phalluses.

Really, there was no way to tell by looking. It was too close to call by the eye alone, and Rick was satisfied to see Negan silently sweating as Gavin stepped up to measure them both, and then Jesus. Rick felt more than foolish standing there holding out his dick to be measured, but he reminded himself that his people’s future could very well depend on this.

“Well,” Jesus sighed. “It’s a damn close call.”

“It is,” Gavin agreed morosely. “But Negan’s is bigger- by half an inch.”

Rick’s heart sank in his chest. He glared down at his dick. _You’ve damned us all._

“Ha! Fuck yeah!” Negan pumped his fist in the air, dick flopping with glee. “I fuckin’ knew it-”

“ _Wait_!” Jesus shouted over Negan’s whooping din. “Shouldn’t we be measuring them when they’re hard? I mean- who cares what size it is when it’s soft?”

Negan paused mid-cancan, his smile trickling away. “I _won_. I won fair and square, you white-Jesus-motherfucker!”

Jesus shrugged. “I dunno. I mean… _I_ definitely don’t care about how big a guy’s dick is when it’s soft. I can’t work with that.”

_Why would Jesus be working with a guy’s dick, anyway?_ Rick mused. _Unless- oh_. He stared at his comrade in wonder, seeing him in a whole new light. The volunteering made more sense now.

“So you want us to…get hard?” Negan asked, for once struck stupid.

“It seems like the best way to know for sure,” Jesus said reasonably. “You don’t want to be lying awake at night wonder if what Rick’s dick looks like when he’s hard.”

Negan snorted. “Joke’s on you, asshole. I do that anyway. But yeah, alright. Let’s get hard, Rick. Get that half-inch-tinier-than-mine dick up and at ‘em.”

Rick was beginning to think that this whole thing had gone a few strokes too far, and the last thing he wanted right now was for _Negan_ to go a few strokes too far and end up showing off those- what had he called them? _Pearly snot-globs?_ “Now wait a minute-” he began, but Negan was already whacking his willy like it was about to fall off, and Jesus had his hand rather intimately on the small of Rick’s back.

“Rick, c’mon. Take one for the team,” Jesus encouraged him. “Show him who the bigger man really is.”

Rick had a rather hard time getting it up while Negan stood beside him sounding like he was repeatedly dunking a hotdog into a tub of Vaseline. He decided to wait. Once Negan was at his peak length, his dick red and rock-hard, Jesus and Gavin measured him and nodded at each other before turning to Rick.

“Alright,” Gavin sighed. “Let’s get this over with.”

Rick had made a rather large mistake in waiting, because he now had three pairs of eyes watching him as he tried to muster up an erection. Well- two pairs of eyes, really. Gavin, at least, had turned away to give him some privacy.

Negan and Jesus were another story entirely, though. They both watched with pinked cheeks and eager, hungry eyes as Rick tugged at his stubborn dick.

“Havin’ trouble gettin’ it up, Rick?” Negan asked, practically drooling as Rick finally started to chub up. “Need a helping hand?” Rick huffed an irritated sound and his cheeks reddened despite himself.

“I’m his impartial advocate,” Jesus protested, “if anyone is gonna help him, it’ll be _me_.”

Strangely, the two men offering to jerk him off was helping Rick get hard.

_Huh. That’s odd,_ Rick thought _. Wonder what that means? Probably nothing. Just like that dream_

_I had the other week about Negan’s dick up my ass meant nothing. These things just happen sometimes._

“Impressive,” Jesus said directly to Rick’s dick, his cornflower eyes never leaving Rick’s growing erection. “I think your odds are pretty damn good right now.”

“I always was- what do people say? A- _aah_ \- a grower, not a show-er?” Rick mused.

“I’ll say,” Negan muttered, both with envy green and lust hot and red.

“Somebody…somebody give me somethin’ to think about,” Rick said breathlessly. “Can’t get it up all the way if I’m not turned on.”

Negan and Jesus pounced immediately, leaning in close and purring into Rick’s ear, the angel and the devil perched on his shoulders.

“When’s the last time you got sucked off, Rick? You know, I was voted best blower in high school two years running,” Jesus hummed. “It wasn’t a school-sanctioned vote, obviously. But it _was_ accurate. I earned that title, sore jaw and all. I even beat out Trixie Lipkind, who we’ll just say _definitely_ did her best to live up to her last name.”

“It has been a while,” Rick conceded. “A blowjob does sound awful nice…”

“You haven’t lived ‘til you’ve had my tongue up your ass, Rick!” Negan cut in, eager to stake his claim in the conversation. “I’ve got a damn talented tongue. Bet I could have you shootin’ off in less than a minute.”

That did sound good- Rick had only been eaten out once before. His dick was beginning to leak now- was he fully hard? He was probably fully hard.

“You sure you don’t want me to do that for you, Rick?” Jesus offered, waggling his fingers in front of Rick’s face. “I’d hate for your wrist to get tired.”

“I bet I could make you come without even havin’ to touch your dick,” Negan claimed boldly. Strangely, Rick found himself wondering if that was true. Could he?

Shit. He was dripping a _lot_. He could feel his toes starting to curl inside his worn-out cowboy boots.

“You’re awful flushed, Rick.” Negan drew a finger along Rick’s jaw, making him shudder. “Bet you’re pink all down your chest.”

“You can take off your shirt if you want,” Jesus proposed, ever so considerate of Rick’s comfort and well-being. “Wouldn’t want you to get overheated. It’s a hot one out there today.”

“ _Real_ hot,” Negan agreed, one hand sliding across Rick’s chest to toy with his top button with a leather-clad finger. Rick’s hand moved a little faster, his hips jerking up with each flick of his wrist. It _was_ pretty warm in here- no air conditioning in the trailer, he supposed.

Jesus flicked open the button closest to Rick’s undone belt, his warm hand bumping Rick’s own in a sensual brush of skin on skin. “Here, let me help you out, Rick.” Jesus’s hand covered Rick’s own frantically moving one, beginning to push it way and replace it-

“Okay, that’s enough!” Gavin yelped out from across the trailer. All three men nearly gave themselves whiplash looking over at him- Rick had forgotten him entirely. Gavin brandished the ruler, looking deeply troubled. “Let’s get this shit over and done.”

Rick held his aching dick out to be measured, and if he dripped a bit of precome onto the cool metal of the ruler, nobody said a word about it.

Gavin shook his head, clucking softly. “You wanna double-check?”

Jesus seized the ruler from the other man’s hands, placing it beside Rick to double check for himself. “Well…” he looked up at Rick and Negan’s expectant faces. “I guess that settles it.”

* * *

When Rick and Negan emerged, re-zipped into their jeans with their erections mostly wilted, it was to the baited breath of dozens of people waiting on the verdict. The two of them, followed by Gavin and Jesus, stepped up onto the landing that Negan had originally stood up on.

Gavin took the floor.

“Ladies and Gents,” he announced in an aggressively bored tone that Rick didn’t feel matched the situation at all, “we are here to announce…that the Saviors are forced to concede to the rebels.”

There was a shocked gasp from many of the crowd, a low titter of realization, and then, before Gavin could go on, a resounding cry of victory for Rick’s people as they cheered and hollered, lifting each other in the air and kissing their loved ones.

Jesus stepped up, grinning like the cat that got the canary. “Under Negan’s own proposed terms, we are now free of the Savior’s rule! Rick’s mighty dick has won this war for us!”

“Huzzah!” Ezekiel cried merrily, his staff raised high in celebration, “Rick Grimes of Alexandria, your manhood has released us all from the bonds of servitude!”

“Rick,” Jesus murmured close in his ear, “you should address your people.”

And so Rick stepped up to deliver his victory speech, Negan uncharacteristically quiet behind him. “When we came here,” Rick began, “we were prepared for a war. A war of violence, and death. A war fought with these guns,” Rick patted his trusty Colt Python holstered on his hip. “But today, no one has to die. Today, the only gun that was raised was the one in my pants.”

**Author's Note:**

> do you ever write something so dumb you just sit there wondering how your life has come to this and what decisions have led you down this path


End file.
